


White Night

by fifismochi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Asexuality Spectrum, Break Up, Eating Disorders, Fluid Sexuality, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Anxiety, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Lee Taeyong, References to Depression, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29387448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifismochi/pseuds/fifismochi
Summary: Maybe they could have thrived, made the world their pearl. And maybe they would have destroyed, not caring about anyone else but them.But not in this world. Not in this life. In this life, Jaehyun and Taeyong only tore at each other until they had broken.At least, they had gotten back together. At least, they were still alive. That would have to be- it was enough for Jaehyun.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	White Night

When he arrived, Taeyong was already waiting for him with an all-too familiar gold bracelet.

Taeyong looked at the still quiet city, glowing under the cover of darkness and night, as the stars above it slowly started to die out. Jaehyun looked at Taeyong.

Memories flowed through the thin air, of both of them laughing gently with the soft evening light, of whispered broken promises under the vigil of the stars, of dancing without a care in the world just as dawn broke, of exchanged golden bracelets shining in the warm afternoon sun.

Of a time lost to the world, its pleasures and pains.

Suddenly, Taeyong spoke, "You always liked it up here."

Jaehyun smiled with a twist of life that wasn't there before, "Maybe. You were the one who loved it here, though. I just loved seeing you happy."

"I know." It was tinged with the bitterness of a person that had seen all the pain of a lifetime and came out with a smile that showed just a little bit of the broken fragments that remained.

Silence crept up along with the icy winds that gently blew their hair, their only witness.

"I still love you."

Taeyong didn't respond for the longest time, partly just too lost in their own thoughts and partly with a tear and partly something that slipped through their fingers. When they did speak, it was in a voice that could only wish and never do and ached, "Sometimes love isn't enough, Jaehyun."

Jaehyun briefly let his eyes drop to the golden and dull bracelet surrounding the too-thin and delicate hands brushing their hair away, not with an innate grace, but with one trained and practiced a million times over. 

A grace that was all the more beautiful for the blood and sweat and tears that came with it. Long hours practicing in front of mirrors, almost - beating the movements into their body, to be graceful, elegant, perfect in all aspects.

The bracelet swayed back and forth on Taeyong's wrist almost without a care, as Jaehyun near-automatically reached for his own ruined gold. A gold that had perhaps been tarnished one too many times. 

"And sometimes, love is too much." It was almost lost to the wind as a low whisper, not meant to be heard. It might have even gone unheard of if the night hadn't echoed their fears and their love to the moon, just to fall back to the stars.

Guilt flooded in next with a blurred storm of kisses, lost to the night and everyone who witnessed it. Nights of lost stars and black moons and shattered hearts.

"I think I cheated on you."

"You did. I knew." Taeyong said it like the Earth revolved around the sun and the sky was blue. Like something precious had just shattered to a million pieces. Like they weren't even surprised by it, but somehow, they still _were_. A pain that never stopped hurting. No matter how long or how much it occurred, the kind of pain that somehow managed to always hurt.

"Who was it?" 

The silence that followed was both accusatory and fearful, like it shouldn't have been asked, a taboo that never should have been even mentioned.

"I didn't know and I didn't care enough to ask."

Taeyong happened to be the worst liar Jaehyun knew. This was no different. Not that he had needed Taeyong's lie in order to figure out the truth. Jaehyun knew that Taeyong would have done everything to find out who. Jaehyun knew that Taeyong would have torn themself apart to find out why. Jaehyun also knew that he didn't have a right to ask. Not anymore. Maybe not ever.

Taeyong took slight pity on him with their lips curved up slightly in silent amusement and torture, "I don't think it ever passed drunken dancing and kisses, if that makes you feel better."

Somehow, in a twisted way, it did. Because the raw agony in Taeyong's voice, hidden with resignation, told Jaehyun that he still cared enough about Jaehyun to be hurt by him. Even if Taeyong had only loved him even a fraction of how much he had given, Jaehyun would -could never complain about it. Not when he alone had Taeyong's love.

He was slightly in awe of Taeyong's resilience, to be able to stay strong, to be able to live when someone that you might have spent the rest of your life with, chose to turn their back on you, chose someone else. Of their forgiveness, staying with him even when anyone else might have left months ago.

Because Taeyong would have never left and Jaehyun could never stay long enough.

It had only stopped when it nearly destroyed the broken pieces that remained of both. He didn't think he could stay sane, stay alive, if their roles were reversed. Then again, Taeyong eventually had broken. In a different way than Jaehyun, but still broken, in the end. 

"You were always too good for me, Taeyong."

" _Don't_. Don't you dare do this -to me again. Put me on a pedestal that I never even asked for." 

Taeyong's voice came out as unusually sharp and too quick just to simply be cruel. Something infinitely more painful than hurt. A plea and a command and a wish in one.

Jaehyun looked at Taeyong's eyes which were still fixed on the horizon, but their knuckles were nearly bone-white, even lighter than their already pale complexion, which had nothing to do with genetics or makeup or sunscreen, highlighting the brighter dull gold of his bracelet. And there was a hidden panic in their eyes that Jaehyun had never seen before -or never cared enough to see before.

Both of them fell back into the comfortable silence that wrapped around them like a stranger. 

"I'm surprised Johnny hasn't tried to kill me yet, let alone Ten"

Taeyong let out a soft laugh at the mention of their notoriously overprotective best friend and his equally overprotective boyfriend, "They might have tried if they knew."

Jaehyun distinctively remembered a certain night featuring Taeyong and Ten dancing rather sensually to several provocative songs before they had gotten together and Jaehyun could only stare in awe. 

In particular, he remembered an older man's more _suggestive_ comments about Taeyong's performance, almost touching them despite their clear uncomfortableness and the Thai had verbally teared the man a new one, to put it kindly. The man was left in near tears and if the circumstances had been different, Jaehyun might have even felt a little bit of pity for the tattered remains of the man's dignity. As it was, he just closed his eyes and claimed plausible deniability.

Jaehyun had decided that night that he would always be more scared of Ten, despite Johnny nearly knocking out that man afterwards. With one punch.

At Jaehyun's surprised gaze, they rolled their eyes, "I know Ten suspected but I never told them outright what happened between us."

Some part of Jaehyun wanted Taeyong to tell them. Maybe it would have been karma, some kind of punishment, for what Jaehyun had done to Taeyong's life.

He still had no right to do that, though. No right to demand punishment for an argument that would never be resolved and would never in this lifetime. Not when he knew both of them had been hurt too many times already. 

And not when there were scars both in and on both Jaehyun and Taeyong, that couldn't just merely be explained, that maybe no one would ever understand in a lifetime. Maybe not even then, too. They had to be bent by each other and by themselves until they had long-since broken and picked themselves up again and again.

It was in the way that Jaehyun spent less and less time caring about anything, even about life and even about Taeyong. The way that Taeyong constantly kept a pretty smile more and more around everyone, even around Jaehyun.

The always amber liquid that Jaehyun drank to distract himself from the constant emptiness. The bitter smoke that seemed to perpetually linger around Taeyong's breath more and more.

The deep, shallow scars on Jaehyun's arms, nail scratches and maybe with something sharper. The skin that stretched over Taeyong's bones, too much to even be considered remotely healthy.

"Stop. I can practically feel you tearing yourself apart. You didn't treat me well, yes, and I'm not going to excuse you for it. You idolized me and ignored me when I couldn’t meet your high standards and you hurt me more than you could ever imagine.”

“But for what it's worth… I'm the one who stayed. I chose to stay. I hurted you just as you hurt me. Don't invalidate my scars again, Jaehyun."

"I know you said not to put you on a pedestal, but Taeyong, you are honestly one of the best people I have and will ever meet. You're kind and sensitive and genuine and trustworthy and so beautiful. And I'm sorry that I never told you that enough."

Taeyong let out a silent tired sigh, another argument that had never been resolved. An argument that neither one of them could win or lose.

Jaehyun had never understood why Taeyong disliked it when he praised them and Taeyong had never been comfortable with the amount of praise Jaehyun could -would heap on them. Now, they understood each other a little more, just not necessarily better, just.as their bracelets grew somewhat brighter and a million times more colder

"I'm not all that you think I am, Jaehyun… but thank you. And I'm also sorry. You're gentle and sweet and loving and yes, handsome. Someday, you'll find someone who won't treat you like a broken little thing or ignore all of the cracks in your soul."

Taeyong knew both of them better than anyone else and they knew how to hurt.

Jaehyun hesitated before speaking, "I know I've asked so much of you already but if I ever try to get back in a relationship with you… promise me that you won't. Curse me. Punch me. Make my life a living hell, I don't care. Just make sure that we never hurt each other again."

"As long as you promise to do the same."

They didn't have to say anything more to seal their words. They never did. 

"Do you think you're ever going to love again?"

"I don't think so," Taeyong quickly backtracked after Jaehyun almost crumbled, "Oh, it's not your fault. At least, not totally. I… I think I loved you before I knew what love was. I guess I thought love would be all-encompassing, wonderful… enough. Just like all of those dramas and books and movies show. Just like everyone tells it. But for me, it wasn't like that."

"For me, loving you was like standing on the beach, just waiting for the waves to wash over again. It was-" Taeyong paused, letting out a frustrated sigh, like words would never be enough.

"It was wonderful and a small part of me will always love you, Jaehyun. But I realized I liked love. To me, love isn't synonymous with life. I don't need it to live. If love comes, then I'll live with it. If it doesn't, I'll still live."

"But for you, love was -is everything. You relied on me so much, Jaehyun, and I liked- loved that and I was _so_ fucking scared. Because you loved me with all your heart and I didn't even know if I could love. Who I could love. I didn't even know who I was."

Taeyong had only come out several months into their relationship and Jaehyun had been horrified to realize that he had been misgendering his - they eventually settled on partner- the entire time. He had gotten Taeyong a pretty gold bracelet as a silent apology and acceptance. And despite Jaehyun's objections, Taeyong had quickly gifted him a matching and equally pretty gold bracelet within the week.

That was before Taeyong gradually began retreating from Jaehyun and Jaehyun slowly began withdrawing from the world. 

Before everything began falling apart at the seams of their perfect world.

"And I couldn't deal with it. Everyday, I felt like I was suffocating and eventually, I realized that I was afraid of going to you about anything. I was afraid of my own boyfriend. Because if you found out that I wasn't the idol that you thought I was, you would leave me. And despite everything, I might have loved like standing on a shore, but I loved you like you were the ocean itself."

"I wanted you to stop looking at me like I was the sun because I wasn't and I wanted you to keep on looking at me like that because who doesn't want their boyfriend to look at them like that? And if I confided in you about my problems -about _you_ -"

They cut themself off abruptly, shaking their head in deeply-rooted fear, before continuing after a pause, "It wasn't just your expectations, too."

"Everyone looked at us like we were the picture perfect couple, expecting us to always be on the same page, always together. The one that everyone looked up to and wanted to be. The one that pleased both of our parents. The one that our friends fawned over and teased. They even expected us to be together and we always met their expectations."

Taeyong paused, trying to choke out the words, "I tried to meet your love, you know. Meet the expectations instead of hiding away from them. I stopped arguing with you, even with things as small as choosing what show to watch, just to avoid a disagreement. I started doing things that you didn't ask for in the first place, like baking and cooking everyday. I began texting and calling you whenever I had the time, even during school hours when I shouldn't have."

"I gave more and more of myself to meet the image that I was supposed to be. And it didn't work. If anything, it made things worse." 

"Everyone fawned over us even more and you looked at me with even more adoration than I thought was even possible. If I did nothing, the expectations crushed me. If I did something, the expectations only grew. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until later that I realized how much of myself was still trying to live up to and avoid those impossible standards at the same time."

How much of them they had given to love Jaehyun, the words twisting themselves in the shivering air. It was the kind of love that hurt sometimes and burned sometimes and destroyed sometimes. It was still their love, though. Was.

"Is that why you… you stopped eating?"

A single tear went down their cheek, either in relief or shame or both, "It began as the one thing that I could control. And no one noticed when I took just a little less and left a little bit more everyday."

"When I eventually could spend a meal holding the same amount of food and just talking. When I danced through breakfast and then lunch and then dinner. When I was almost always cold and I could see my ribs in the mirror. What was wrong with wanting to be skinny anyways?", they asked rhetorically before scoffing, "Besides no one noticed and if they did, they never cared." 

Jaehyun flinched a bit at the last comment, his bracelet moving with him.

They pretended not to notice and he was almost grateful for that, "And eventually, maybe inevitably, it turned into another thing I couldn't control. It was almost like an addiction, the way the numbers fell from the scale, the less food I would- could eat, the more I would dance."

"I knew perfectly well how unhealthy my behavior was- is, and I couldn't stop."

"The smoking started later than the dieting. It never became as obsessive for me, probably because there were only a limited amount of places I could get cigarettes without being recognized, either as a minor or as Lee Taeyong, perfect star student with a 4.32 GPA and set to go to a SKY university or to one of the Big Three and an equally perfect boyfriend."

"Besides, I knew that it was bad for me and even worse for my dancing. I wasn't an idiot. It was always just a placebo, to feel full even when I wasn't, when I was just high. And I was careful enough to not form an addiction, another thing I couldn't control. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that, not when I couldn't control everything else."

"In the end, though, I ruined myself on the inside to look flawless outside. To meet all of your expectations, of the world's, of even my own," Taeyong wistfully muttered, a hidden wish.

The wind howled somewhere in the distance as Jaehyun steeled himself. The brightest stars finally started to dim as the sky turned just a little brighter, illuminating their bracelets.

Dread flowed through him, but not enough to deter him, "I don't know when I realized you were thin- too thin. I never even suspected that you were smoking -at least not consciously. I don't think I ever admitted to myself that you weren't as perfect as I thought you were."

Taeyong's voice wasn't quiet, but soft, softer than Jaehyun had ever heard from them, "Jaehyun, you don't have to do this."

"Maybe I don't have to. That doesn't mean that I want to do it, either. But I need to do this."

"I can't remember a time now when I didn't feel okay." Once he started, it became somewhat easier and infinitely more harder. He couldn't help but already start mourning.

"I would feel like I was exhausted all day and still spend all night staring at the ceiling. I blinked and suddenly everyone was standing up and class would be over. I would finish my homework and feel empty, like I was missing something. And every time I saw you, that empty feeling would almost disappear."

"You were like my own personal drug and when you weren't there, I didn't know what to do. I didn't enjoy doing things, spending time with friends and family, reading books and watching shows I had loved for so long, listening to my favorite music. I didn't enjoy them anymore, not when you weren't there, much less be able to feel happy without you. Instead, I just spent more time with you, anything to avoid that empty feeling without you, to avoid feeling alone."

"I couldn't imagine living without you. I worried daily about how to make sure you kept on loving me. I was constantly in fear that you might meet someone better or I would make a mistake that even you couldn't forgive because I was never going to be good enough for you. To me, I think you were my dream come to life." 

Jaehyun suddenly understood why Taeyong had been frustrated, because words weren't ever going to be enough to define them. To define their relationship. Maybe they never would.

"And if we were together, if I could see you, touch you, be with you… I depended on you, for comfort, for love, for everything. I don't think I ever considered what was best for you; I just wanted you to be with me, because if we were together, everything would be fixed."

Taeyong just smiled softly, if not a bit jagged at the edges. Their smile didn't used to look like that. Once upon a time, they were honest unfiltered joy, laughter brimming with life. 

He could only remember perfect artificial plastic now, all white teeth and red lips and dead eyes. Something that accentuated their all-too pretty features. Something that dimmed their kind bright personality. Something he never noticed.

Jaehyun thought that this smile fitted Taeyong -the real one, not the one he idolized- best.

"I think it started when I had my first drink at Johnny's party. Then I had another the next day, still hungover. And it just escalated from there. Alcohol just helped distract me from… from life, I guess, and from you. I didn't have to think about how everything just seemed… useless."

Jaehyun let out a dark laugh, "It made everything worse, though. You started withdrawing from me, even if I never acknowledged it. You stopped actually smiling at me, giving me that pretty smile that never reached your eyes. You spent more and more time dancing, spending more time without me. You started responding to me less, always with a practiced response if you did.

"I never cared why you became so unhappy, so cold because I thought our relationship - I thought _you_ were perfect. And suddenly, you weren't there and I didn't know why because it had to be my fault and the emptiness was back and it scared me. The more I drank, the more you withdrew. The more you withdrew, the worse I felt and the less I felt and the more I drank."

Now, it was Taeyong's turn to close their eyes while their bracelet dangled helplessly. Not in regret, but perhaps something similar. Something that might have been.

"Drinking slowly started not working, gradually less as time went on. So I started cutting. I still don't remember when I started. I was just so desperate to feel alive again."

"It made me feel something other than nothing. I was nothing without you and I needed that something to distract me from that aching feeling of being lost and when that didn't work, to just feel something, anything other than numbness. I almost destroyed myself trying to let go of my feelings for you and to simultaneously get rid of the hopelessness I felt without you."

"Deep down, I think I always knew that my relationship with you wasn't the healthiest, I just didn't care. I didn't care about a lot of things towards the end."

When Jaehyun finally stopped, something was and felt lighter in the air. Something he couldn't exactly place. Maybe it was their burdens. Maybe it was their justification. Maybe it was the silent apology woven in the friendly silence between them. Maybe it was the way their bracelets shined just a little bit brighter in the twilight.

"Did you ever want to die?"

"Did you?"

Instead of directly answering, Taeyong mused to the wind after a long beat of silence.

"We're just a couple of ruined messes, aren't we?", Taeyong whispered and paused sadly before speaking louder, "But know this, you didn't ruin me, Jaehyun. Believe me when I say it."

Jaehyun kept on looking at Taeyong, tears almost blurring their vision of the upcoming sunrise.

With time, maybe he could come to accept that. But not now. Not when Taeyong was in front of him for the first and last time and all Jaehyun could do was look at the broken and the beautiful and the oh so human. The Taeyong he had never seen and the Taeyong that had come out. 

He closed his eyes and bowed his head gently, "Maybe in another life, our jagged edges would fit against each other instead of hurting one another."

In another life where Taeyong would have died for him in a heartbeat and Jaehyun would have lived for them in a breath and their destructive love bonded them together through death instead of ruining each other for life. A selfish wish that would never happen.

Or maybe, he thought darkly in the back of his mind, in another life where they ruined each other for good. Where they would have destroyed each other to something worse than death and Taeyong would have starved themself to break into just another pretty shell and Jaehyun wouldn't have even noticed, wouldn't have even cared. A world that could have happened.

Because at least in this life, both of them got out. And they lived. And that was more than Jaehyun could wish for. Could ask for.

Taeyong seemed to be thinking the same, "In another life."

"Go follow your dreams, Lee Taeyong."

"You too, Jung Jaehyun."

Taeyong kept on looking at the sprawling city, just on the verge of awakening, surrounded by wilderness barely contained. Jaehyun kept on looking at Taeyong.

And when the sun's rays finally hit, all that was left were two dusty golden bracelets.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was both of one of the easiest and one of the hardest things to write. I've wanted to write about an unhealthy relationship for some time now, because everyone seems to think an unhealthy relationship is an abusive relationship, which it isn't. An abusive relationship is unhealthy, but an unhealthy relationship does not necessarily have to be abusive. 
> 
> Then I got into NCT and well. Here is this. Not particularly inspired from anything, just an exercise in how dramatic I could be. The symbolism in this is strong.
> 
> Just to clarify, Taeyong is nonbinary, probably identifying closer to genderfluid actually but they go by they/them in this scene, and also somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (tbh, I don't actually know specifically what their sexuality is). I wrote this from limited third-person POV, so be aware that Jaehyun is slightly biased when it comes to Taeyong. Their relationship was toxic to both of them and I tried to address that but Jaehyun does think that the majority of the fault lies with him. 
> 
> This is my first fic so please be kind and review!


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